“‘I like this idea that a piece of writing is never finished, just abandoned.’” (Sommers 384).
Individuals desire to be known and loved, yet they fear being found unworthy. Individuals yearn to be heard and listened to, to find tangible pieces of art, and to finally see their difficulties within despair. People want to be found, and not by their own selves, they want their lives to be acknowledged, they want someone to witness their lives as they will do to the other person. But truly, we can only be known perfectly by some ultimate holy creator, and the rest of us on the ground continue to relearn and reinvent our identities, souls, and egos every single day. We want to be found and owned in love, yes, but when will people learn that in order for this to happen we must find our own peace of mind, alone? From a gender-conscious perspective, Lauryn Hill uses her voice to counteract dehumanization and the patriarchal society Black women live in to utilize self-love as a feminist act.
There is no we, or us in the song, “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind” written by the artist Lauryn Hill. It is purely a self-act to find your version of what your peace of mind truly is. In strictly nine minutes, filled with a room full of strangers, Hill shares a textual analysis of the fall of her ego and her rise to respect within. Having already been declared “brainwashed” and “emotionally unstable,” Hill decides to carry her own story into a room where every inch of her body is judged and watched as a Black woman. Still, despite the innate prejudice that is omnipresent toward Black women, Hill’s voice silenced every single person in that room, to hopefully, at last, be truly understood. Live performances have the ability to unite people, fostering a sense of belonging and a comfort level that allows them to share their most intimate ideas and feelings. Hill shares her story of how she once searched for wanting to belong to someone, to be owned by love, by a man, preventing her from finding her peace of mind, she sings, “He says it’s impossible, but I know it’s possible” (Hill). Black women, including Hill, have historically been conditioned by societal messages to define themselves through connection to others. This is a narrative they are actively rewriting, and “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind” embodies this act.
Lauryn Hill, who not only has contributed brilliantly to the genre of neo-soul, is also a dedicated activist, who utilizes her songs to shed light on black feminism. Who doesn’t want to be wanted, right? And to be wanted doesn’t necessarily mean flashing a diamond ring, or replacing your last name with someone else’s. Though all of this, to feel wanted and be owned by love means absolutely nothing if that respect and love are not rooted from within. For Black women, that can be so entirely hard if the world already does not respect and love them. The Combahee River Collective pleads for mercy for black women, “to be recognized as human, levelly human.” From the minute Black women are born into this world, they are acknowledged as having the lowest value in the power hierarchy. For black women to be owned signifies the double oppression of dehumanization and the patriarchal society, where women are constantly told to find a man to love and protect them and create a family, as well as the pressures of being marginalized to fit into the world that hardly gives them any space to thrive, to begin with. Hill utilizes her music by rejecting the need for external validation and empowers Black women to find their self-love and worth from within. Lauryn Hill sings, “To finally be in love / And know the real meaning of / A lasting relationship, not based on ownership” (Hill). At the age of 26, Hill was just learning what it meant to finally be in a healthy relationship with herself. It’s sickening that this world has failed to give Black women the true love that they deserve due to societal pressure and limited examples of healthy love. And this impact becomes so powerful and poignant that it makes it difficult for Black women to even love themselves.
Lauryn Hill had to become a black feminist herself because the world and society will never truly love, accept, and understand black women. Her art and music have evolved into a community of support and a framework for self-love. Though Hill listened once to how the world treated her, they would tell her “…there’s no me without him” (Hill). Becoming trapped in major systems of oppression intertwining, evidently Hill’s ego took over. Her ego, the false mental image that forced a desire upon her for validation and the desire to be wanted and loved, and so pressured by society to belong to someone she truly thought she was nothing. Her ego did not want to let go of her either, “Trapped in her memory/ constantly holding me” (Hill). Not only was Hill fighting against her ego, but she was also grappling with the nature of oppression, that had existed long before Hill even set foot into this world. Her life was run by her ego deeply rooted in the “racial, sexual, heterosexual, and class oppression” (Combahee River Collective) birthed by our society.
Black women navigate a world where their very identity becomes a battleground. In one hour, they might confront a microaggression that chips away at their dignity, then face down prejudice embedded in a system stacked against them. Their singular identity compels them to fight on multiple fronts: battling racism, sexism, and the pressure to conform to limited expectations. In reference to Kimberlé Crenshaw’s published articles about what she describes as intersectionality that is, “Writing from an intersection of feminist antiracist, black antisexist, and critical race studies perspective” (Parker 179). Crenshaw emphasizes the idea that people are not tied down to just one identity. When you look at Hill’s performance of “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind”: she exudes effortless style with her natural untamed dreadlocks tucked into a scarf, topped by a hat adding a touch of mystery that also embodies her “tomboy” charm. The gleam of her hoops adds a hint of femininity, perfectly complementing her beautiful melanin skin. Her style is uniquely hers, a blend of comfort and confidence. When we gaze upon black women, it’s crucial to acknowledge their dual identity: as individuals of color and as women. These facets of their being are intertwined; they cannot be parsed apart, for just as they cannot selectively embrace their melanin skin or womanhood, the world outside has no privilege to do so either. Recognizing and respecting this intersectionality is crucial to truly seeing and understanding black women. Hill made a name for herself, despite the innate prejudice she experienced even before becoming one of the best-renowned singers, her voice was loud, crisp, and honest and she took the risk of being in the spotlight of the world to take on self-love and liberation as a true black feminist act. Ultimately, who else except a black woman would genuinely go to this length for other black women? Still, even despite Hill’s brilliant act, the world, the society, unsure of what to do with a Black woman breaking societal barriers, Hill was manifestly declared a “madwoman.”
“After all, to embrace madness is risky business for a black woman musician operating within those racist/ sexist milieus, where black womanhood is double-crossed by myths of female hysteria and myths of black savagery and subrationality” (Bruce 371). Being perceived as perfect can make you feel perfect. It can shut down any type of myth created that the world has falsely put on you. Remember that Hill begins this song by bravely admitting that she was in a relationship with someone to enhance her sense of self through the other person. Hill sings, “You love me despite myself / Sometimes I, I fight myself”. Women are socialized to seek love, and because she had no love rooted within and from the world branding her as a “savage,” she ran to discover her identity through another person. By Hill’s acknowledgment of someone else’s love for her sense of self hints at her reliance on external validation because she needed reassurance, or any type of support, to firmly believe that she is not what this world claims Black women to be. Hill holds strength in her vulnerability, telling the world that she even fights herself, which battles the stereotypes of “savagery” or “hysteria”. Her narrative defies the image of what some may claim to be a stoic or emotionless Black woman, even outside of Hill’s identity. Remember, that Lauryn Hill is human. Hill was seeking validation, yes, but it was also her search for love and acceptance, something this world has failed to provide to Black women. Hill learned in this particular journey that when discovering yourself through someone or something else also entails accepting it as a component of who you are. And the slightest worry of this person or thing abandoning you means that part of yourself is lost. Hill’s reliance on her partner for external validation left her powerless to find self-love on her own terms, and that will never be what true love means. Hill says, “Just tell me what to say, I can’t find the words to say/ Please don’t be mad with me, I have no identity/ All that I’ve known is gone, all I was building on.” In support of the Combahee River Collective, Hill was building her identity through other people and things because she had not become “conscious of the concepts of sexual politics, patriarchal rule, and most importantly feminism, the political analysis and practice that…women use to struggle against our oppression” (Combahee River Collective). Battling with multiple forms of oppression could easily strip away the love, support, and respect that you have inside. Black women are faced with meeting societal beauty standards that endorse white features, making Hill feel hopeless and powerless. As well as the racial stereotypes and false myths that portray Black women as holding strength yet emotional, making Hill and other Black women feel like it’s impossible to express vulnerability. Like any human with feelings and emotions, it takes away and undermines a thriving sense of self. Omnipresent exposure to false myths that devalue your own identity can make anyone question their value and abilities. Despite this, Hill was on a mission to heal her heart, but that could not be achieved until she was fully aware of the intersectionality of oppression, which would then bring her to true self-love. By recognizing and being educated on the impact of racism, sexism, and societal pressures, Hill can dismantle negative beliefs that she once internalized to find her true self.
Sometimes the only thing that gives us power is our unique selves, and the way we display that power determines who we are. Hill utilizes her song “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind” to take on the duties of a third-wave feminist. According to academic Valerie Chepp, third feminism has three main themes: “a relationship to history, to self, and to black men” (548). Its sole purpose is to create an inclusive environment for women of all races to shed light on racial and gender inequality, to condemn white feminism that excludes, to examine the paradoxes of black identity, redefine black feminity, create healthier relationships with men, and to connect back to their roots. Hill sings, “I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past…/ Now that I know the truth, now that it’s no excuse.” Hill makes the conscious decision to break free from past limitations and embrace the new version of her empowered self. Given that Hill has spent the majority of her life escaping from herself, she must decide to stop acting in accordance with her past delusions and false self-image. By reclaiming her identity and defining herself and her worth only on her terms, third-wave feminism has shown Hill the reality so she can pursue and embrace her sense of self through awareness and value. She genuinely has “no excuse” to revert to her former self now that she is aware of the intersectionality of her oppressions. In the words of Gloria Anzaldúa, she writes, “I create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not give me… To discover myself, to preserve myself, to make myself, to achieve self-autonomy. To dispel the myths that I am a mad prophet… To convince myself that I am worthy and what I have to say is not a pile of shit” (169). “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind” is a story about Lauryn Hill whose identity was built on myths created by the world’s dehumanization and patriarchal pressures that are targeted against Black women. At the beginning of this song, her identity is based on a false image of herself, rather than her true essence (as shown by the lyric ‘He says there’s no me without him’). But by the end of this song, she takes on self-love to banish the “double-crossed myths of female hysteria and myths of black savagery and subrationality” (Bruce 371). Black women have been placed at the lowest value for centuries, and Hill writes this song to put herself and other Black women on the top since they must fight from the bottom. What you find inside when you discover yourself will always be enough, but Hill selflessly decided to share it with the world despite the lack of support from the outside world for Black women who succeed. Hill finds self-love: “You are my peace of mind/ That old me is left behind”. Hill’s determination to achieve self-love is not just a passive yearning either, but it’s a conscious pursuit (‘I trust every part of you’) revealing a profound trust in her own intuition and judgment, independent of outside influences or expectations.
Hill sings, “You’re my peace of mind/ That old me is left behind/…. Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God”. Hill, not only a black feminist, was also very vocal about being a child of God. According to scholar Ebony A. Utley, many Black Christian women view their suffering as a way to become closer to God. In the past, Christian leaders portrayed women negatively as weak, which led to the very idea that women could redeem themselves through suffering and self-sacrifice. “Redemptive suffering is the belief that not only is suffering justified but it also should be coveted as part of a spiritual maturation process…Many black Christian women emulate this surrogacy when they perceive suffering as something that brings them closer to God (Douglas 1994).” (Utley 303). This implies that Black women were told to prioritize seeking forgiveness from God over self-forgiveness and healthy relationships. The very act of dehumanization towards Black women even led Hill herself to become a child of God. The false myths of women’s weakness and instability pushed women to go to God because Christian leaders found women unworthy of their own strength. Time and time again, individuals create these falsified identities of women despite their constant ancestry of protection and power. Through Hill’s feminist act of self-love, she reclaims what God means to her. The creation of God in Lauryn Hill’s life originated from the dehumanization of Black women, though the presence of God in her life is due to the self-love and sacrifices that she made for herself selfishly. Lauryn Hill declares that God is the source of her mental tranquility—the calm that exists behind and between obsessive thoughts enforced by our patriarchal society. At the end of the day, we all want to be found but what most don’t realize is that we have to find ourselves first, and whether if it’s through a feminist act or by an ultimate holy creator once you find yourself you must keep holding on.
Lauryn Hil dedicates her music not only to herself and the repossession of her identity, but she shares this with the world for all Black women to be the owners of their love and beauty. Everyone is capable of giving and receiving love. Everyone also fights their own demons; though, for Black women, these demons “have been programmed in [them] for centuries” (Bruce 385). The struggle of Black women against patriarchal control might seem like an innate truth, though the poststructuralist philosopher Michel Foucault argues that knowledge is not absolute. It’s shaped by the power structures of a particular historical period, which can be described as discourse (Parker 270). In this context, the concept of Black women fighting their demons is seen as a discourse reflecting societal anxieties about Black female power within a patriarchial system. So while young Black girls are forced to accept from early on that they need “to be quiet both for the sake of being ‘ladylike’ and to make [them] less objectionable in the eyes of white people” (Combahee River Collective), they must understand that this knowledge to be silenced was brought on by the systems of power putting them at the lowest value to be indifferent towards men, and the rest of the world. Hill sings, “I need to tell you all, all the pain he’s caused.” This is going against the patriarchal society and the knowledge that has been imposed on her. Hill’s self-awareness understands very well what Foucault has described as discourse, but in this particular situation, she will not abide and be silenced. Her knowledge of herself is brought on by the gender-conscious power she holds inside at this very moment.
It takes for black women themselves, and them alone, to conquer the falsified identities created by “insecure and inadequate men” (Bruce 385) to heal their minds, bodies, and souls to produce self-love. It took Lauryn Hill 26 years on earth to learn the feminist act of self-love. Hill sings, “Everyday’s another chance/ To get it right this time/ Everyday’s another chance”. Black women face a constant process of self-discovery. Every encounter and every experience shapes their understanding of themselves. But unlike many others, they navigate this journey against a backdrop of societal prejudice. The patriarchial system throws up fixed stereotypes and false myths that govern Black women. They must not only forge their own identity but also contend with a world that defines them in narrow ways. The weight of confronting dehumanization and a pervasive patriarchal system is immense, a burden Black women carry from birth, even inheriting the fight from their ancestors. Foucault believes that knowledge comes from the system of power relations, but the deeper truth that Hill has discovered is that what you need to find within yourself comes from no power, no greed, no insecurity, or patriarchal domination, it comes from the love you hold inside your heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙂
Works Cited
Anzaldúa, Gloria. “Speaking in Tongues: A Letter to 3rd World Women Writers.” This Bridge Called My Back, Writings By Radical Women of Color, edited by Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldúa, Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press, 1981, pp. 165-174.
Bruce, La Marr Jurelle. “‘The People Inside My Head, Too’: Madness, Black Womanhood, and the Radical Performance of Lauryn Hill.” African American Review, vol. 45, no. 3, Fall 2012, pp. 371–89. EBSCOhost, https://doi.org/10.1353/afa.2012.0065.
Chepp, Valerie. “Black Feminism and Third-Wave Women’s Rap: A Content Analysis, 1996–2003.” Popular Music & Society, vol. 38, no. 5, Dec. 2015, pp. 545–64. EBSCOhost, https://doi.org/10.1080/03007766.2014.936187.
Combahee River Collective. “The Combahee River Collective Statement.” American Studies at Yale, April 1977. https://americanstudies.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/Keyword%20Coalition_Readings.pdf .
Hill, Lauryn. “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind.” MTV Unplugged No. 2.0, MTV Studios, 7 May 2002. Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/album/22tn8fUpD1lurSga9yuqhM.
Parker, Robert Dale. How to Interpret Literature: Critical Theory for Literary and Cultural Studies. 3rd ed., Oxford University Press, 2015. Utley, Ebony A. “‘I Used to Love Him’: Exploring the Miseducation About Black Love and Sex.” Critical Studies in Media Communication, vol. 27, no. 3, Aug. 2010, pp. 291–308. EBSCOhost, https://doi.org/10.1080/15295030903583531.
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